Message from a long-time friend: Chris, know that you are not alone in your feelings, I think all of us do that to ourselves, human nature being what it is. We beat ourselves up over what we could’ve or should’ve but didn’t and looking back on the negative tends to drag us down. Saying that, being a child of God, I will say this. 1st Because Christ Himself said in John 3:16 that WHOSOEVER believes and that gives me Hope everyday for my future and the 2nd comes from the words of a song, “Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow,” and that gets me through every day to keep looking forward to the future. Always remember that we are children of a King who has forgiving, loves, and wants the best for us and we need to stop looking back because we are forgiven and move forward working to represent our Father because of his love and sacrifice for us. Keep moving forward.
I grew up in church. I learned all the Bible stories. I once dealt with a situation when I was seven years old during the summer of 1983. Every Breathe You Take was the big hit on the radio and MTV. I lived my life freely. On Saturday morning, I rush out the back door to the basketball court in my backyard. I saw a snake near the garbage can. I was at that time mostly in fear in of snakes due to reading Adam and Eve plus their physical appearance.
I went back inside and yelled to my dad that there was a snake. He basically took an axe and cut the snake up into several pieces. He then cleaned it up and threw it into the garbage can. It appeared to be a fairly emotionless endeavor. Since that particular Saturday, we had the tendency to use a shovel when removing snakes from now on. Cutting them up of course leaves a bigger mess.
In retrospect, I had allowed my fear of snakes to overcome my better judgment. As a result, another living being loss its life. I have grown to the point now that I abhor all acts of violence be it against man, woman, child or animal. I dislike wanton environmental destruction and the mindless rat race. Basically, I don’t belong in this world.
As a child, I mostly preferred the tomboys since I was an active kid and never had any trouble with them playing ball, riding horses, playing in the mud and everything else that boys did. However as I moved onto my teenaged years, when hormones and dating become the norm, I felt out of place. Being a geek and socially awkward, I never really fit into the high school scene squarely. However I enjoyed sports despite only being 5’6″ 130 pounds and lacking athletic talent. I had the heart though. I didn’t date, go to parties or join clubs. I did however enjoy working in the library where I have always felt at home.
Academically, I did well, but was in basic level courses. Thus, my options for attending college were greatly limited. I eventually attended Pellissippi State Community College and majored in Video Production Technology. I did well up until the end of 2001 and then it felt like aimleessly drifting from one job to another, failed career attempts, and other endeavors like political activism that were productive in some ways and not so productive in other ways.
As an adult, I have interacted well with people from different walks of life regardless of politics, social status, religion, and other labels that often are used to divide and conquer. My paternal grandfather was a World War II veteran. He served as a heavy truck driver in India and Burma. During his time away from home (1943-1946), he had malaria, lived through a monsoon, encountered a strange world all onto its own. As if facing the Japanese wasn’t bad enough.
After returning home, he gradually moved on with his life. Overall, a happy, productive life. I am sure he had his share of trauma from the war, but he didn’t let him overcome him. One point of contention that he had to reconcile was that growing up in Grainger County, Tennessee, it was of course a more conservative environment. Being exposed to a different culture, he encountered villagers who were either dressed differently or had no clothing on at all. This caused some concern after the war. “Would I burn in hell for seeing another naked woman when I am already married?” Eventually he reconciled this.
I myself being conservative in the Bible Belt and socially withdrawn, I had spent much of my lfe trying to untangle the maze of messages with how women and men interact and how we are portrayed in the world via mass marketing, media, and other forms of communications. I had my share of internal conflicts. I didn’t really reconcile this until I was around 40 years old. As it turns out, the problem wasn’t with me. The problem was the split personality of the culture as a whole.
So as a way to throw this hypocrisy back into the world’s and Devil’s face, I went to Hippie Hollow (a nude lake near Austin, TX) in 2016 on several occassions and let it all go. Afterwards, I thought this wasn’t so bad. When I told several of my friends about it, they were shocked. They didn’t imagine a conservative, quiet guy like me doing that. But I needed it. I needed to get out of my shell and become bolder and more aggressive. I have since then done photography with models, attended dance events and attended a pudding wrestling match for a domestic violence fundraiser. I no longer had any more hangups. I was free.
This personality change actually began in 2011. During the Fall semester while attending Carson Newman College, the Jezebel Spirit attacked me every night from late August to just before Thanksgiving. Aggressive, manipulative and without mercy. I being the conservative, well mannered guy struggled for nearly three months enduring these attacks. I felt cold, in dreadful fright and motionless as Jezebel entered through the window on the second floor. She attacked me over being a good boy, never married, but having the desire in my heart, not being a normal guy like everyone else. She especially tried to make me despise and distrust women. On top of that, I was made to feel worthless, lacking ambition and even suggested to me to either harm myself or commit suicide.
Finally after about 75 straight nights of attacks, I started becoming more aggressive. I started using profanity calling her a slut and asking her if she liked being eaten by dogs. Most of all like Satan, didn’t like the acknowledgement that Jesus Christ had risen from the tomb and walked out on his own two feet. Therefore, sin and death were conquered.
This battle has prepared me well for the future battles to come. If I had to put a team of ten people together today to help fight these battles, they would all be women. No wonder Jezebel tried to drive a wedge between me and women in general.
So thankfully santification has occurred and I am wiser, more experienced and have a much different point of view. I am not driven by worldly gain. I now serve the Lord. I am ready to embark on a cross country trip. In this day of social distancing and mask wearing, I will be boldly going to places to meet friends and liberty minded individuals. I will be doing what I can to help in terms of moral and spirit support as well as providing feedback. Most of all, I aim to strengthen current relationships and start new ones. I no longer get as much satisfaction of being around technology or books as much although still useful. I despire modern day TV and rarely go to movies. Maybe 10 in the past 20 years and I slept through a few of them. They don’t make them like they used to.
Please pray for me both in terms of wisdom and physical health. I will be posting a link soon to donate funds that could help me fund my trip primarily food and gas money. I wish I could have plenty of money. But I never made more than $25,000 in a year and that was twenty years ago. I will leave it it in the hands of the Lord.